The Gravity of our Worlds
by Remember The Darkness
Summary: Love makes gravity out of our spinning Worlds. And our gravity is bliss. Channy SONG-FIC Written for Roach’s Channy Anime OST/OVA Song Challenge. Song - Alumina - Death Note


_**Written for **__**Roach's Channy Anime OST/OVA Song Challenge**__**!**_

_An: ~Smiles~ This may be a little strange in the beginning but it'll all tie up if you keep reading. I use a lot of metaphors so try not to take everything literally. The song is Alumina from Death note. It was the first ending song to the series. I used the English translation lyrics.__**  
**_**  
The Gravity of Our Worlds  
BY: NickleMT**_****_

In the flowing time a momentary sparkle twinkles

_**I keep walking to engrave the world's memories, a believer**_

I hadn't really noticed before. How the world seemed to spin and keep on spinning. Spin, spin, spin; oblivious to the plights, the nightmares, and the deceit that goes on all around it. I wonder if that's how 'my World' is. If that's how it still is between us. I haven't the slightest.

I ask myself everyday 'Does he know?'; the answer 'Of course not he has said nothing.'

I ask 'What if he does?'; the answer 'I have no clue. He is my World. Gravity is our bond. Our bond is strong and I couldn't pull away if I wanted to.'

We were happy. We were in love. We were in denial.

Did you go out last night Sonny? Deny.  
Is someone with you Sonny? Deny.  
Did you come home last night Sonny? Deny.  
Deny, deny, deny.

Lies became my friends to hide the gaps of our involvement with each other. It was a sin, what we were doing. But the sweetest there was.

Lie, lie, lie; lying in the blanket of my lies to hide from my World the sparks of light. Those twinkles were my sins. And they shone on my face and in my mind as the sinful memories they were. As long as I was hidden in my blanket the guilt would not shine like a beacon alerting the World.

I keep my blanket opaque by taking the time to cover the light. Smother it if you will. I etch the Worlds memories into my mind, so I don't forget. It would be so easy to forget, the light is so blinding. So I etch. I engrave. And I never forget. I must believe in these memories of false words, because the World isn't forgiving.

_**I had a dream no one else had, I threw away everything I didn't need**_

_**I can't surrender the feelings I have kept in my heart**_

My World picked me up and twirled me around. Today was our anniversary. I hated to lie to him, especially now. But I knew I had to, especially now. I can't surrender the feelings I have kept in my heart; feelings that do not belong to my world, but to my love.

He kissed my lips. It burned. The fire of hell was upon them; an ever reminder of my sins. This fire burned with me everywhere. It was never gone. Not even in sleep. No, my love is there, always. His touches burn, but in the most delightful of ways. I was sure my World knew the dreams I had. It was not his name I was saying.

I was so sure. But the love he has for me now…It makes me wonder. Why? Why would he love me this way? He knows…I was so sure. Can it be that he doesn't care? It can't be. My World isn't like that. My World…My World. What have I done to you? My hell fire must be consuming you. Must make you itch when I lie, when I'm away. You know where I go. The fire leads the way.

_**Even if I'm still between the real and ideal, and my feet have fallen victim to shackles**_

_**These overflowing impulses cannot be suppressed because my heart still strongly yearns**_**  
**  
I've kept myself home, away from my love for weeks now. I've shacked myself to my home, to the World. He is happier now, and he is not trying to hide it. My World is smiling…but it's not the smile I yearn for. Not the smile that I've come to know. It's not the smile I met with bickering words that masked the admiration and attraction I'd had for my love.

We didn't bicker anymore, my love and I. We fought in a different way; and we checked our animosity at the door. Because I know he has a World too. That World isn't me, though I wish it were. Maybe if he needed me as much as I needed him I could leave my World. The gravity would shift and my shackles would be opened.

But I can't leave my World yet. I need this love that yearns for his gentle ways. The yearning is strong; it's the gravity that pulls us into embrace, and into love. My gravity will keep the overbearing impulse to see my love away. I cannot keep going back to him.

I won't destroy our Worlds; there would be nothing 'in it for him'. I don't know why he doesn't see that. I won't let my selfishness destroy his gravity. I won't let gravity pull my love and I together.

Yes, my yearning will suppress my impulse.

_**"Lies" "Fear" "Vanity" "Grief", I'm not so weak as**_

_**To be seized by such negativity, I'm a trickster that doesn't know solitude**_

"Are we Sonny? Are we really?"

"Yes. We are. And I know you know it. I won't let you use your childhood lines to sway me from knowing that you can feel it. We're in love."

My love sighed, "She'll be waiting." My heart thudded painfully.

"Let her wait."

"I can't Sonny. You know I can't. The lies, the fear, the grief; they don't come naturally to me."

"And the vanity does?" I knew I was being cold, but I couldn't bring myself to care. Things were crashing down around me.

"The vanity Sonny?"

"Yes, the vanity. Do you really think I can go on much longer? Do you really think he doesn't wait? And that I don't care if he does. You're so vain to think you can have us both. You always were vain Chad. I used to find it cute. Now it just hurts."

"I told you I wouldn't promise you Sonny. I never agreed to leave my happy life to share one with you."

"Could I really not be your happy life? Could our life together really be that miserable?"

"Yes, it could."

My eyes watered. I shouldn't have let it get to this. I shouldn't have let my gravity shift. I shouldn't have released my shackles. I shouldn't have let him become my World. It wasn't Chad who was vain; it was me. I was the one who had wanted both Worlds so much it hurt. I was the one who let myself leave my husband for my teenage love. I was the one who thought he might feel the same as I did. I was the one vain enough to believe I could be loved by a man who had a good marriage back at home.

And now I couldn't go back. It was a strange feeling, to have gravity utterly evaporate. It didn't crash; it misted away. And I felt kind of empty.

I had taken too long. His eyes were already going to his watch and his hand to the keys in his pocket that belonged to his stupid convertible I couldn't believe he still had.

I spoke quickly, and I suppose rashly, "Then you won't see me again Chad. I won't interrupt your happy life anymore. You don't have to keep her waiting now."

I turned on my heel and strode away calmly.

_**I look up at the buildings that pierce the night sky, the stars and such in space invisible**_

_**"Will I be lost?" I wonder**_

I wouldn't be going back to my husband our unhappy life. I would be taking the money out of my separate bank account and I would move into a small apartment and try to forget.

This city, it was big. I could lose myself here. Lose myself and never be found. I could hide somewhere with my blanket, so worn and faded at it had all but evaporated, leaving the tiny pinpricks of light to show and be seen. This city and all of its building might hide them. They might hide me from them.

_**The whole town overflowing with tainted people, I won't be lured by such things**_

_**Because I want to see something grab my hand at the end of the road connected to tomorrow**_

I wonder if the people around me can see my sins; if my hell fire burns so brightly as to alert them to my tainted life. I can see theirs. I'm well accustomed to recognizing the grief, the lies, the fear and the vanity on their faces. They were the expressions my own face still held. Even after all these months away from them. My Worlds; would it be cliché to say they had crashed down around me? And I hadn't yet cleaned up their debris.

_**My eyes close and I surface in a sea of consciousness**_

_**That's when I obtain the ideals I've pictured**_

My happy life had ended the moment I had gotten home that day Sonny left. My wife, she knew. She had discovered the things I had tried to keep so secret. I imagine for her it would be like awakening and discovering the things you had dreamed of, the things you had glimpses at, had hints at, which were all going on around you.

I imagine that she'd realized the small earthquakes in her dreams were, in reality, her lying, cheating husband slipping in and out of bed to visit another woman. She realized the hushed phone conversations weren't work calls under the guise that I didn't want to disturb her favorite shows, and that they were the calls that decided if I would go out to deal with a 'crisis'.

I wonder though; if she had suspected, and was merely tossing the signs away. Making excuses for me I didn't deserve.

I hadn't tried to hide my affair. Not really. Sure I had lied. But I never really tried to disguise my comings and goings, or the smells of perfume and sex on my clothes.

I was trying to let her down slowly. I cared about her and wanted her to blame me and mot herself when she realized we didn't love each other. I had known the moment it happened. But she was content with our marriage, and our life. She ignored the fading love and clung to life instead.

Sonny. I didn't want to drag her down with me. She had a life too; a life with her husband. I didn't want her to have to worry about me with my marriage failing because of 'us'. She had her marriage and I didn't need her to choose between me and her life. Sometimes I was unsure what her choice would be, and other times I knew it wouldn't be me. So I let her go; back to her family. If she thought I no longer wanted her she wouldn't have to choose.

_**Merely receiving life in the world and withering away is just as stupid as dying**_

_**I must obtain what no one else can, the crystal called "oneself"**_

Ugh. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep being empty and withered. I can't keep acting like I'm dead. I have to find myself again. I have to make myself my world. I don't know how to find myself again. I'm in others; I gave all of 'me' away. And I know I can't go back to the ones who have me.

_**Piercing through simplicity will one day change to the truth**_

_**I want to continue believing in it. It's just my faith, the absolute truth**_

_**  
**_"I love you Sonny."

He had just appeared, right at my apartment door. He just said he loved me, and I couldn't bear to believe him, but I couldn't bear to accept he was lying.

He saw my apprehension, "Believe me."

My face tensed. I wanted to believe him. He was still my World after all the time that had passed. I could still feel the gravity that wanted to pull me to him; the gravity that wanted me to believe him, to love him, and to let him in. I fought the gravity.

He looked so pained at the expression on my face, "Here I stand Sonny. Expressing the only truth I've ever told of our relationship. I love you, and I need you to trust me. I need you to have faith in me when I say I love you."

Truth, faith, trust. I want to continue to believe he loves me. I want my simple life to fade away so my world can come full focus. I want to revel in the love he is professing. Having faith? I can do that. He already has all of me. He is my World.

The change in my face must have shown; he saw it. His hands came to cup my face and pulled me in for a kiss. Truth, faith, trust. I could feel it all in his touch, and there was no trail of hell fire left behind.

_**In the flowing time a momentary sparkle twinkles**_

_**I keep walking to engrave the world's memories, a believer**_

I've noticed it before. How the world seemed to spin and keep on spinning. Spin, spin, spin; oblivious to the plights, the nightmares, and the deceit that goes on all around it. I know that's how we are; wrapped up in each other, under the same blanket that no longer symbolizes lies; but love. I guess we don't notice everything around us. We are each other's worlds and nothing else matters.

Only us and the memories; the sparkles the twinkle like the lights that are no longer cloaked. It's only us and the memories we make that will forever be engraved in our minds.

Love makes gravity out of our spinning Worlds. And our gravity is bliss.


End file.
